I have seen the best of families become bitter over the tug and pull of personal things and money that someone has left behind.    During trying times, even the best of the best can react to a situation emotionally, without second thoughts about the impact to other family members.    Usually, planning and communicating up front with your family can help alleviate the struggles, but even the best laid plans can go awry…

I have a friend who told me today that it is now three years and one month since the death of her ex-husband and his estate is just now being settled per his wishes – well some of his wishes.    During these three years,  things have been sold that should not have been or they have been “lost” somewhere in time.     The suspicions between family members has strained family relations and now after all the checks have been cut, it looks like the attorneys are the ones that ultimately win.   Their cut of the estate is significant and it has left the family members all staring at each other in sadness and dismay that it ended up this way.

The discord is happening more and more as the older generation leaves behind significant questions, personal items and wealth to an extent not experienced before in our history.    So what is a viable alternative to getting family members to talk about it and come to agreements before attorneys have to step in to “legally” define the grounds of property disposition?        Try working with a mediator – yes, I said a mediator.

I recently sat down for a discussion about this subject with Nancy Wise of Wise Mediation to learn more about how a mediator can help the situation.     I had never met a mediator before, so learning about her process was interesting – and applicable.        Couple of things I learned about mediators:

1. Everyone has to be willing to come to the table to discuss their opinions and views.
2. The mediators provide a “safe” environment with a level playing field for the discussion.
3. The mediator does not tell them how to solve their problem, nor do they take sides.
4. They provide each side with the opportunity to express themselves fully without interruption.
5. They help the parties generate options for the resolution – for example:  resolve the situation, live with a bitter family feud that can last for years even generations, or prepare to challenge it in the legal system.

The common sense approach makes sense  and I can see where it would be valuable when settling estate distribution conflicts.     Going through the legal system can be costly and very time consuming.     Hard feelings can last a lifetime.    Going through mediation may be the ticket to helping families cut through the raw emotions, resolve conflicts and honor the memory of the person who has past away.

As I was talking “wall-to-wall” about suvivorship planning on my Facebook page, it occurred to me that people don’t really think about their identities in the social networks or email accounts that will live on forever past their death if not managed  by their survivors.    Thus, the subject of this article came to mind – a reminder to leave instructions for your family on what to do with your online presence.   This means an account on My Space, Facebook, Linked In, etc.

I checked into specifics on the options a family has when a loved one dies with an “e-presence” out in cyberspace.               Here is a short list of the most common websites and how they handle accounts of people who have died.

Facebook
Facebook gives you a couple of options.     You can close the account or turn the account into a memorial where friends and family can leave notes or comments about the person.   Privacy is set to friends and family only and the profile become unsearchable, all personal sensitive information is stripped out of the profile and it prevents anyone from ever logging into it again.    To  create a memorial, you have to fill out their online form and submit a proof of death such as an obituary or news article about the person proving that they are, in fact, dead.    The link to the Facebook form to do this.    http://www.facebook.com/help/contact.php?show_form=deceased       or contact them directly to close the account (also submitting the appropriate proof of death.

If you come across a person on Linked-in who is deceased or if you have a family member who is deceased, you will need to notify Customer Service that the Profile still exists and may need to be removed. They request that you provide any important information about the deceased member that will help their Privacy Department in in investigating and acting on the account accordingly. Items to provide in your email would be one or two of the following:

1. An Obituary Link
2. A Death Notice
3. Consular Report of Death
4. Death Certificate

Per Google’s Website, you have to submit via fax or email a list of required documents to get access to the account.     I found information on what to do on their website -
http://mail.google.com/support/bin/answer.py?hl=en&answer=14300 .

I have read where Flickr (a photo sharing website) keeps the sites open but prevents any kind of access to photos marked Private.      They are owned by Yahoo now, and I was unable to find the issue addressed anywhere on their website.    The information was difficult to find, so you would have to contact them directly.

My Space gives you a couple of options also.   You can submit a request along with the required information to remove the profile or you can create a group profile (memorial) and link it to the deceased persons profile.      I found information at this location.     http://faq.myspace.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/369/kw/deceased%20person/r_id/100061

These are just a few of the most common websites where you may hold a membership.   If you have a business or a personal website, you also want to be sure and record who your host is and how to contact them in case of your death.       Online presence can last for years and maybe indefinitely, so this is just one more thing to include in your survivorship plan.   Let your family know where your footprints are in cyberspace to manage your presence responsibly.

I had the most interesting (and alarming) conversation with a friend of mine the other night at at grand re-opening party for a mutual friend’s store.     As conversations evolve, valuable knowledge was exchanged.      That night was no exception.   It all started out by my overhearing our mutual friend mention something about her being on the ABC program 20/20.  Here is what I learned -

THE STORY OF CONFUSION AND MANIPULATION - Befriending a woman for control over her estate.
My friend is the granddaughter of long time, prominent figure in Dallas.    She began to tell me about the most chilling story of her grandmother who was befriended by a cast of characters who eventually manipulated her into giving them complete control over her life and belongings.     Over the course of a few years, two guys in the antique business  befriended her and started convincing her that her daughter and family did not want the best for her and that they would take care of her.     In 2005, after suffering a fall, they went to her hospital bed with an attorney and convinced her to sign a new power of attorney and will giving them complete control over everything.       They even had the gall to video the process for credibility.

Once in the driver’s seat, they began cutting off  access to her.    My friend said that was the last she was ever able to reach her grandmother.   Apparently, they were after this poor woman’s estate home worth about a million dollars.    My friend’s mother (the elderly woman’s daughter) lives out of state and was never able to convince her mother to sell the home and move in with her.    She was determined to stay in Dallas.     Without family members around, the woman was a target for such criminal activity.

To see the complete story written up by ABC news, click here.   Hold on to your seat, you are going to be appalled when you see the video of the 2 men and their attorney filming her signing the legal documents!

ANOTHER STORY 24 HOURS LATER – $40,000 taken by a stranger.
I was relating this story to a group of people over dinner the next night only to find out that this happened to another  friend of mine’s mother who had Alzheimers disease.    She said some random woman befriended her and somehow made off with $40,000.    I asked if she had reported it and she said with her mother’s confusion, they couldn’t begin to track her down.       She worked with her mother’s CPA and they were certain of the unaccounted for funds, but felt there was no way to catch the person responsible.

AND YET ANOTHER STORY – Money being taken by the son.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to another friend of mine who let me know the family thinks one of the sons is taking money from their father’s account while the father is sick in the hospital.     The suspicions have been aroused by money missing from the accounts reported by one of the other siblings.

Three stories, all unrelated, but all with the same theme of elder exploitation – a cancer growing in our society.  I was knocked off my feet by the statistics of this crime as reported by the Adult Protective Services in Texas.  In Fiscal Year 2008, Adult Protective Services completed 68,683 investigations of abuse, neglect, or exploitation involving adults living at home. Of these, 48,380 were confirmed.

If you have a family member who lives out of state and doesn’t have a trusted family member in the same town looking out for them, consider the risk of this rising crime.      No matter how well you have planned for survivorship, there are forces at work to the contrary.    I will be adding links to my site under the LINK AND READ for further resources on this topic.   I felt compelled to get the word out on this problem.

In my business, I work with personal information.  I work very hard to ensure that the information entrusted to me stays as secure as possible.   (It’s  top priority.)     As part of survivorship planning, you may work with banks and financial institutions to change beneficiaries and ownership for some of your accounts.     This may require that they mail signature cards or forms to the rightful parties to make that happen.     What happens when they mail the forms with all of your highly personal information and the letter never gets to the right person?    Now, your full identity, and possibly the recipient,  have  been compromised if it falls into the wrong hands.

This happened to me this week.      A bank in San Antonio mailed a signature form to me by regular mail to change the authorization to my aunt’s checking account.   They called me in February to verify my address.    I still had not received the “signature cards” in March.     My aunt finally went down there and had them make up some new ones and my aunt sent them to me certified mail.   To my surprise, when I received them, I was shocked!  These were not just signature cards, they were full new account forms.      Every piece of information needed for identity theft had been on the form and it had all the information on there for 3 people!    I was astounded that such information was “casually” sent through the mail in hopes that it would get here.   Over the past few years, I have seen more mistakes with the mail than I care to document, and banks are using it on a regular basis as a vehicle for your highly protected information.   I called the bank and started running my concern up the chain of command only to be told that my aunt’s account was very compromised and she needed to open a new one and that they did this all the time and only NOW did they understand “concern over security of your information.”   I told them to read their fraud statement on their own website and tell me how it is only now they are concerned about it.   How frustrating is that?      So a word to the wise.   

If you are working with a bank or financial institution on such matters, make sure they do not send any vital information through the mail system.    There are more secure ways to transfer that information.     Offer to pay for it.   You will be way ahead in keeping your information secure.     Customer beware!